Tips on how to gatecrash a function

Recent developments have resulted in beer drinkers being down-listed to Appendix 3, endangered species. The rise in prices – yet again – of beer has had wives celebrating and placed die-hards munguva yakaoma chaizvo, chaizvo. Yes, some are calling it quits after failing to cope with the hikes without having to starve their families to death. The honeymoon had to end at some point. The brewers for their part are finding it hard to justify the punitive increases and their very existence.

So much for moaning, as they say, desperate times demand desperate measures. In spite of the price-induced beer drought that is scotching the nation, there remain institutions that are so well-heeled that they perceive hikes to be a minor nuisance. The country will never run short of individual and companies that will throw the occasional function to celebrate one thing or the other. Now, do you get what I am driving at?

It was Karl Max who wrote about societal inequalities and the redistribution of wealth. So in a sense, those companies that have money to throw around should consider a bit of social responsibility and share the loot with the unfortunate members of society. Those who, for reasons entirely beyond their control, can’t even afford a single drop of their favourite brew. However, for some selfish reason, these same said companies forget to extend a simple invitation to these poor souls. This leaves no choice but for them to invite themselves to the party! Yeah!

Do not misconstrue my intentions here. I am not about to advocate for anarchy. No ways. I am just saying that people need to be innovative, to think outside the box, as it were, if they are to survive the beer drought. Bluntly put, to gatecrash a function seems just about the only solution. Unless, of course you won the Lotto or suddenly found yourself in the last will and testament of some stinking rich but very dead relative.

So in the interest of sanity and the good of the inebriated side of humanity, I will share a few tips on the dos and don’ts of gate-crashing a function. First, you got to have a plan in place, ne? Target your functions carefully and do some background research. Is it a celebration or a serious gig? Banks are bound to throw both of a kind. Are there any bouncers or security at the door with long invitation lists, or do they employ the pesky PR types who seem to know everyone by face?

Dress for the occasion. Avoid looking as if you are a crime waiting to happen or as if you just fell off a very tall tree. Invest in a dark suit, it speaks volumes. Look the part and be prepared to drop a few important names in your conversations. It means that, God forbid, you have to watch ZTV so that you can recognise the faces that matter. Getting past the entrance requires great skills of deception. You have to look as if you are supposed to be there. Do not wait to be interrogated or fidget around. Chances are that whoever is manning the gate is in no mood to be chasing uninvited guests round the venue. Unless you are dealing with a bouncer or worse still a security guard.

Once you are inside, you have to maintain your composure. The PR types are sure to smell trouble a mile away. Their job, by the way is to keep the function off the front page of Umthunywa. Tempted as you may be, imbibe within reasonable limits. I know that the word ‘reasonable’ does not exist in an alcoholic’s dictionary. But at least you can try.

Get to know who the host is to avoid what happened to my young brother some years ago. After successfully making past the bouncer, he ended up being the barman. He made the mistake of denying what he thought was a super-arrogant guest his share of whisky. He was to discover, after being tossed over the durawall by a very big monya for hire, that the chap he had called a village idiot was the owner of the party!

Glossary

Appendix 3: Convention on International Trade in Endangered Species of Wild Flora and Fauna (CITES) classifies elephants in this category.
Nguva yakaoma: hard times
ZTV: Zimbabwe Television
Unthunywa: A gunk unearthing Ndebele language tabloid
Durawall: Pre-cast wall.
Monya: Slang for bouncer