How we would win the World Cup of Complaining

If complaining were a competitive sport, then Zimbabweans would surely win the World Cup hands down. We complain about everything and anything. Are we just outright rabble-rousing pests or it’s simply because we always get the short end of the stick when it comes to the products and services that we shell our hard earned cash for. That, of course, depends on which side of the counter you are standing. However, one cannot deny the fact that it is our constitutional right to complain. Even if there is nothing specifically wrong. For them to know who exactly is king, we have to keep these guys on their toes.

One has to admit that at times clarity becomes an issue when we attempt to put our case across. I should know because I was, in one of my nine occupational lives, the Senior Public Relations Officer of the City of Bulawayo. Entertaining complains and trying to solve them took a significant chunk of my time and I must admit that some of the gripe turned out to be quite hilarious. I will attempt to share some of the complaints with you having carefully edited out the authors. Many were anonymous, of course. But if you are one of those who make it a habit of writing letters of complaint to the City Council, then you should be very embarrassed to read these, here we go:

• I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
  The lavatory is blocked; this is caused by the boys next door throwing their balls on the roof.
• This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.
• The toilet seat is cracked, where do I stand?
• I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
• I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers.
• I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
• Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
• Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother.
• The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
• Will you please send someone to mend our broken path? Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
• Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, and so will you please send someone to do something about it.
• Would you please repair our toilet, my son pulled the chain and the box fell on his head.
• Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
• This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we cannot get the ZBC.
• When I applied for a rebate you said that you would have to take something off. Now that you have taken it off, I have been told that you should have put some on. So will you please take off what you took off and put on what you should have put on when you took it off?
  

And now a special request to you. If you are planning to send a complaint to the City fathers, why don’t you wing it by us first so that we can have a very good laugh and then file it for future columns? That’s being a sport. If all of you did that, then we will have enough material to take our mind of these depressing times. And I am dead serious on this one futhi!