Why alcoholics should stop drinking

Alcohol doesn’t solve problems, but then again, neither does milk. The fact that millions in Zimbabwe spend so much time and money drinking should be a significant issue for debate. The big question is why people drink, while the alcoholic will wonder why people don’t. There are many ‘social drinkers’ out there. The excuse, “I drink to socialise,’ is as common as a hangover for the alcoholic in denial.

The most incredible answer I have heard was the friend who said that by drinking beer he was being humanitarian. If he were to stop drinking, he surmised, a lot of people in the brewing industry and other downstream industries would lose their jobs. The worst was a friend who said, “"Terrorists, Lenox. They've taken over my stomach and they're demanding beer."

You can easily classify Zimbabweans into two groups; those who go to church and those who go to the bottle store. Trying to get the two to meet has been on of life’s greatest challenges. The debate has divided Christians, with the Catholics and Anglicans allowing their flock (and their priests) to take alcohol ‘with moderation,’ the major problem being the extent of ‘moderation.’ To the imbiber, that term can range from 2 pints to 20 as long as he is still standing. To the full blown Christian fundamentalist, a sip is one too many.

The topic that dominates the bars and pulpits is about the rising in the costs of alcohol. The Christians, admittedly, aren’t claiming victory just yet. They know that the drought is only as long as beer drinkers can’t afford a tipple. When the economy does turn around, the reality is that the new converts would desert faster than you can spell the word ‘beer,’ ‘reality’ being the illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol. The challenge that the churches face is how to keep these chaps inside and away from the booze.

Christian institutions should sponsor an interactive campaign using available new media to discourage drinking. This is to counter those cynical adverts by the alcoholic beverages manufacturing fraternity that speak with a forked tounge and proclaim that consumption of alcohol may be harmful to one’s health. Then going on to extol the refreshing qualities of the slow poison! What cheek!

As a community service may I offer the Christian fraternity examples of the realistic messages they can push in their campaign:

• WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
• Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
• Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over and over and over and over and over….
• Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your trousers.
• Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could curdle a pint of milk at 100 metres.
• Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
• Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.
• Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.
  

What’s my position in all this? I will leave you with a quote from Stephen Wright who once said, “24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a crate. Coincidence?”