Defending the marriage institution

I have often stood accused of having a low opinion of marriage. Let us all agree on one sure thing, that this institution has both been venerated and vilified depending on the state of one’s union, gender, marital status, or on opinions grounded in either fact or fallacy. Mine are based solely on hardened experience. You see, I am happily married (my wife told me to say so) and have been for the past 13 years. So that makes me an expert of sorts on issues marital.

I was startled by statistics that revealed that in the United States, an average of 3 million people divorce each year and the figure is rising. One of the reasons that so many marriages end in divorce is that those men who promised that they'd die for their woman just don't come through. People have divorced because of reasons that range from the way in which the toilet paper should gang, mothers-in-law (of course), lipstick on the belly button to whose turn it was to taking he dog for a very long walk.

I am surprised that the milkman, plumber or the postman did not feature prominently as we would have assumed, but rest assured that if this was in Zimbabwe, they would be top of the list along with the younger brother (or sister) and the maid.

Marriage has been defined as the only war in which one sleeps with the enemy or that enduring state of undeclared civil war. There are others who feel that marriage is not a word but a sentence. In fact the ever witty Winston Churchill once said: “Where does the marriage start? It starts with a young man falling in live with a girl. No superior alternative has yet been found.”

Bachelors have a very low opinion of marriage, granted, they don’t know what they are missing (Look who’s talking now). Marriage, they say, is the sole cause of divorce. The impression given is that the marriage institution is one to avoid at all costs. Among the host of reasons proffered is that of independence. Bachelors claim that they have the freedom to do what they want, when they want and to or with whom they want. They are convinced that married men have imaginary leaches around their necks and are wilfully manipulated by their better half which we emphatically deny.

The sanctions, bachelors say, take the form of tight financial control on the assumption that men are hopelessly careless with money. They go on to say that it is the woman of the house who normally commands the powerful portfolio of finance minister and so it goes without saying that this controls the movements and spending habits of the husband through a system of checks and balances.

If this were true, married men counter, then quite a number of pubs would become extinct. Pubs are full of married men to avoid house hold chores. Now there’s a burning issue if I saw one. Who should do what in the house, how and when? In the traditional set-up, the situation is pretty clear; the women do the entire house work while the man dozes under a tree.

In the 21st century home, things have changed somewhat. Wives are crying out: “Help me, help me!” but it’s actually “Help me exactly the way I tell you!” Housework is repetitive, tedious and physically sapping, but it isn’t difficult. It has only been shrouded in such perfectionist mystique the same way lawyers have done to their profession, so men don’t buy it.

Let’s get back to the bachelors. We all know that they are rabidly reckless when it comes to cash, searching for the ultimate thrill that money can buy, limited only to the depth of their pockets. Married men on the other hand, take refuge in the comfort that their spouses would be there to pull the brakes on those unplanned bouts of unrestricted spending at the local with the lads.

They (married men, that is) deny that there is any so-called ‘home by six’ curfew restriction effected by their allegedly overprotective wives. Instead they point to the inherent dangers of bachelors’ ‘home by the next day’ policy that has left its fair share of casualties in unplanned pregnancies, monumental hangovers and nasty diseases being the tip of the iceberg of total ruin.

If the truth be told, say the married men, bachelors are scared of attachment. They unearth all these excuses about married men living miserable lives under a petticoat dictatorship. Agreed, they are a minority of women who give their spouses hell but they are the exception rather than the rule.

A columnist once posed an all important question: Why do people marry, and came up with the apparent answer that we marry because by nature humans, and animals for that matter, hate being alone. We marry for other reasons like security, children and intimacy. Marriage is not an event but a process and it takes a great understanding between couples.

For instance, here are a few things that wives do not like; things that go bang, the husband’s best friend, the husband admiring her best friend, smelly socks, the internal combustion engine, the internal combustion engine in pieces and anything in a mini skirt. You can also add the fact that they detest men who talk back and dirt. Wives do not see the point of 12 pints of lager, boxing, pin-ups, rugby, many other things involving balls bachelor’s parties and pubs.

So newly-wed flowers are warned that it’s not all marital bliss or a bed of roses, but should beware of the thorns! Men, God forbid, leave the toile seat up, break wind anywhere and everywhere and cut their toe nails in bed. That does not leave out doing press-ups before breakfast, whistling in the shower and dozing away on the sofa a la Andy Capp. Add knuckle cracking, sniffling loudly like a jet engine in reverse, or chewing nosily. It all takes a bit tolerance.

Men, be patient with your wives. Things like riding the clutch, using your newspaper to clean the loo before you read it, sitting comfortably knitting while the kids re-engineer the DVD player, and spring-cleaning the bedroom at dawn after your hard night out with the boys are genetic. So there is hardly anything you can possibly do to change that unless you ship out.

But then who cares if your partner wets the bed, snores like a diesel engine or yodels in their sleep for that matter? It all adds spice to the relationship and a bit of drama too! No one said we were all perfect. One has to hand it to those brave women who are married to mass murderers, dictators, thieves and other social misfits. Real love conquers all, they say. So to you bachelors out there, there is nothing to fear except fear itself. Divorce, in actual fact, is bachelorhood, with strings attached.