East West Home is Best

Those of you who have been ‘following’ me on Twitter and ‘liking’ me on Facebook will know that I have been in and out of Zimbabwe since Christmas Eve. Not being one who likes boasting, I have the privilege of being in the Diaspora and being able to drive home in the afternoon and arrive in time for supper. How neat!

But I can’t by the death of me explain why it took me close to a year to visit home when I was literally next door! Perhaps home was just too near... or I was too broke, or both. It also won’t explain I have not been writing this blog for close to three months. I am not implying that Zimbabwe has been run to the ground so much that the only form of communication with the outside world is through the smoke and drum method.

Like most of those who returned home after being away for a long time, I was pleasantly surprised. Don’t get me wrong that I was among those who lapped in the skewed reports of horror stories from home. I was kept well informed by my network of acquaintances. But there are some things that never change.

For instance government officials have this misconception that people coming from outside Zimbabwe are dripping money. And that it was our duty to evenly distribute it sleazy and corrupt individuals, draining us before we get it to our expectant relatives. I was reminded of Mobutu's Zaire at the hight of his decadent rule when officials looked forward to being bribed and felt offended if you did not oblige!

The IMF recommended the establishment of a Ministry of Corruption, and they were not joking. It had become so endemic that openly acknowledging its perverse existence was the only way out.

On the brighter side, I was pleasantly surprised to see that for the first time locally registered cars outnumbered those of Injiva. The population of vehicles in Bulawayo has grown exponentially belying the fact that the average salary of a civil servant was well below US$200. 

Everyone and his grandmother mother now drives a car. The expression ‘Lami ngilayo’ (I have it too) refers to a cheap Japanese midget of a car that has flooded the country. Some of these cars are very ugly if you ask me. Yet all this is lost on satisfied drivers who no longer refer to them as second hand. Instead, a friend referred to ‘experienced cars’.

The increase in traffic has led to more work for traffic cops... and more money in the form of fines and bribes, of course. The ZRP has even acquired ‘Top-of-the-range’ BMW patrol cars that are prowling the roads and highways. I witnessed a standoff at Egodini terminus where commuter omnibus openly rebelled against what they termed to be over handedness on the part of traffic police.  

One thing led to another and touts attacked one of the new patrol cars not once but twice on different days adversely affecting commuters who were stranded for hours as a game of cat and mouse was played out in the street of Kontuthu. Many agree with me that you cannot help but mention the words 'police' and 'heavy-handed' in the same sentence.

Another good thing I witnessed was the re-launch of the Bulawayo Power Station courtesy of the Botswana government. The firing of the steam turbines was music to the ears of many, harking back to the days when Bulawayo earned the name ‘Kontuthuziyathunqa’ (Where the smoke billows). I really felt good inside. In fact residents even professed to a slight let up the crippling load shedding by the state electricity utility ZESA.

On that historic day I 'tweeted' to my followers: “Bulawayo is ticking!”  

While people admit that things are far much better than during the dark days of 2007 to 2008, the refrain is that there is no money. Civil servants hold on to the hope that they will have a share of the diamond proceeds. Much the same way we hoped for an improved economy until some of us ended up voting with our feet.

My opinion is that the time for living on hope is over. A number of people have moved on, taking the plunge and doing their own thing. Hanging on the thread that is dangled by a misfit government is not something to hang one’s hopes on. There are people who grab at the few opportunities that come their way and strike the odd rich vein.

One just has to make a conscious decision, a mindset shift and accept that a life of employment is no longer an option. The government does not owe anyone a living. Be your own boss.

Tuning in to Nausea Hour

The drums are still pounding alright on the ZTV News Hour. Let me be the one to say that those drums are just about the most credible thing about the bulletins. The local Gestapo has taken over the script and it’s not pretty watching. People follow the news for its entertainment value in a funny sort of way. Because as far as the informing bit they long ago lost the plot.

One gruelling episode saw News Hour lining up the usual suspects; namely Jonathan Moyo, Chris Mutsvangwa and George Charamba in one bulletin! Police SPOKESMAN Wayne Bvudzujena was thrown in for good measure along with dubious looking analysts who must surely had fallen from the woodwork. To cap it all, Rueeeeben Barwe and Sisi Judesi Makwanya where there to ensure things were well stirred up. Need I say more?

Braai Rules, OK!
We are right in the middle of summer and (if climate change does not play another fast one on us) the braai (barbecue) season is upon us. It is therefore important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking that a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

The man invites his buddies over and when he volunteers to do the braai the following chain of events are set in motion:

Starting with the routine were...
1. The woman buys the food,
2. She prepares the salad, the vegetables and makes dessert.
3. The woman then marinades the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the braai – cold beverage in hand.

Then comes the important part were...
4. THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE BRAAI.

Back to more routine work were....
5. The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
6. She then comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she could bring him another drink while he deals with the
situation.

Then more another important activity where:
7. THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE BRAAI AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

Then more routine in which...
8. The woman collects the plates, salad, bread, utensils, serviettes, sauces, and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And finally and most important of all...
10. Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his culinary skills.
11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her day off' with the boys. Upon seeing her annoyed reaction he concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!