The Idiot’s Guide to Gate crashing a Royal garden party

Nick Griffin of the Brutish (British) National Party (BNP) has had an embarrassing episode where he was refused permission to attend a garden party at Buckingham Palace thrown by the Queen quite recently. He then went on television on what the media called a ‘gloating spree’ saying that he deserved to be invited on account of the 1 million people who voted for his party.

BNP's Nick Griffin and his goons (AP)

Pity he had not read my ‘Idiot’s Guide to Gate-crashing a Party,’ not that I am implying that good Ol’ Nick is one, a fool that is, though of course many would violently disagree with that sentiment. I must admit that I am one of those who find what his party stands for quite distasteful. Not the least because I happen to be black and of African descent.

For those who don’t know the chap, he leads the British National Party that seeks to restore the overwhelmingly white ethnicity of Britain that it says existed prior to 1948 through legal means, including "firm but voluntary incentives for immigrants and their descendants to return home", and the repeal of anti-discrimination legislation. He is a Member of the European Parliament.

Don’t get me wrong if I sympathize with people who are denied entry into certain functions through no fault of their own, no matter how stupid that might be. I am motivated by a long career of demanding recognition by those who think is important enough to deny others the right to be invited to their parties.

For all that he is worth, and it’s not much I’m afraid, Nick broke one of the cardinal rules of gate crashing. That is telling all and sundry that he had been denied entry. One never admits failure, especially on television which in this case reaches every nook and cranny of the globe including Francistown where I am holed up. One cannot even begin to calculate the untold damage this has done to his rather dubious reputation.

Buckingham Palace was justified to deny Nick entry because it was their party after all and they can invite and un-invite with equal measure. The trick is how one reacts to the latter. You don’t go shouting to the rooftops but rather you retire to a quiet corner to re-strategize. Desperate situations require desperate measures.

First, I know of no law that makes gate-crashing or ‘crashing’ in short a criminal offence. Sure there might be issues of trespassing here but, unless you kill someone in the process the law is a bit dim on this one. In Africa, we are no strangers to the phenomenon. Since time immemorial we have been pitching up unheralded at the doorsteps of relatives, friends and in a few instances stranger’s houses. This is more likely to be at mealtimes for obvious reasons.

This is unlike in Europe or the UK to be specific where they find it exceedingly irritating if not outright impolite to call on someone without an appointment. In Africa, it is considered back luck to urn away someone at your door. That is part of our culture and what a better excuse to gate-crash those parties during the festive season.

Griffin for all the repugnant things that he stands for would be welcome with open arms like a long lost brother at some homes. A word of caution though for our guest; he is expected to respect the hospitality of his hosts. Throwing a person out head first is not something that is beyond African hosts. There is a very thin line between hospitality and hostility.

Another tactic that Nick should have employed was to know who the host was in advance. The mistake he made was to think that the Queen was the host. Technically, she was, but in reality, it was Buckingham Palace, the institution. Griffin thought that he was going to appeal to Her Majesty’s grace and compassion. Yet the guys who pull the strings behind the scenes are faceless bureaucrats who wouldn’t bat an eyelid at having him thrown out on his bum if it came to that.

This meant that all modesty had to be thrown aside and crude tactics like scaling the palace wall should have been employed. That he would run the risk of being shot in the process, which he surely deserved, would have been neither here nor there. It would have attracted sympathy from an otherwise disgusted public. They are many who believe that Griffin is better off dead by the way. I am a born again Christian whose patience has been stretched too far by this man.

Going back to the range of options Griffin could have used besides pole vaulting over majestic walls, he could have disguised himself as a waiter or better still the chef. We are not aware of any culinary skills that he possesses but once inside, I doubt it if his would have been able to keep his mouth shut. Knowing how bombastic he tends to be at the best of times.

Any party organiser employs elaborate measures to ensure that only those invited get to enjoy. From fancy invitation cards, which Nick was ironically brandishing when he was ‘P.I.’ed (declared a prohibited invitee), to security guards, bouncers, or in the case of Buckingham Palace, the security measures that might have included metal detectors and secret service personnel.

In such a situation, Nick would have to make himself inconspicuous, another golden rule that Griffin defiled. Griffin never moves without a cavalcade of goons (to label them politely) who are not known for their civility. Now if you pitch up at any party with a phalanx of bodyguards and you meet an equally determined posse at the gate isn’t that a recipe for World War III? And do you think any host with his head screwed on straight would allow for that?

Nonetheless, in order to succeed against such odds, a professional gate crasher has to be psychologically and physically prepared. One must always be a step ahead of the measures put up to prevent one from entry. Dress for the occasion which unfortunately is no guarantee for eventual entry as Nick woefully discovered.

He told all and sundry on television that he would have to return his hired morning suit, cravat and waist coat. The unwritten rule that the smartly turned out person is unlikely to cause trouble does not seem to apply to politicians, so Buckingham Palace made us to believe.

Finally, any gate crasher worth his salt should know what the occasion being celebrated is. In Africa, lack of this basic piece of intelligence has led to some people I know gate crashing funeral wakes, tombstone unveilings and prayer meetings. I have to exclude the desperados who actually work the funeral circuit if not for the free meals and refreshments. Nick Griffin, unfortunately enough, knew what the party was for in the first place.

For all his troubles, the leader of Britain’s most reviled political party then ran into Peter Tatchell, the bane of all xenophobes. Tatchell, we are told, called Nick ‘a gutless coward’ and demanded that he apologise for the ‘BNP’s history of anti-Semitism and homophobia.’ It is at this point that Nick’s goons sprang into action. If only they had shown their bravery against the palace guards.

In Africa we have a saying that when relieving oneself, one learns to keep your mouth shut. The sooner Nick Griffin discovers that, the better for all of us.