Alright, you all want me to be predictable and give some advice for the New Year. No predictions, just plain good old advice that I would recommend you seriously take heed of. I must admit it is hard to take anything in this column seriously, but for once please take that silly smirk off your face and try to. Not only because I am not the source of what follows.
The following advice is from experience and, with sincere apologies to one Mary Schmich (Chicago Tribune, 1997) and slight modifications, it will be laid bare. In 2007 you should eat well. If I could offer only one tip for the future, eating well would be it. The benefit of food has been proven by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me on this, in 20 years you will look back at photos of yourself and recall how fabulous you realy looked at the time. You are not as fat as you imagine, but damn it, you have aged.
Don’t worry too much about the future, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve a mathematical equation by chewing gum. Real troubles are apt to ambush you at 4pm on an idle Tuesday. Do at least one thing that really scares you, like singing. Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and I bet you nothing worse will befall you for the rest of the day.
Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts and don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours. Brush your teeth. Remember compliments, forget insults. Keep old love letters. Throw away old bank statements. Exercise, a lot. Don’t feel guilty if you don’t yet know what you want to do with your life. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don’t know what to do with theirs.
Be kind to your knees. You will miss them when they are gone. Maybe, you will marry, maybe you won’t, and maybe you already have. Maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t, and maybe you already have several. Maybe you’ll get divorced this year, maybe you will dance the kongonya at your 75th wedding anniversary party. Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself or berate yourself too much.
Dance while you can, because you will rue the day you can’t find your feet. Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them. If you are a woman, do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly. Get to know your parents. You never know when they will be gone. Be nice to your siblings. They are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you when the chips are down.
Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. The older you get, the more you need people who knew you when you were young. Travel. Accept these certain truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You too will get old. And you will fantasise that when you were young, prices were reasonable politicians were noble and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders. Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you will marry a wealth spouse. But you will never know when either of them will run out, or away. Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you’re 40 it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you take, but be patient with those who give it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the rubbish bin, wiping it off and recycling it for more that it’s worth. But trust me on the food. My best wishes for the New Year go out to family and especially uTatu’ Phezulu and Auntie, who despite the fact that their legs are nearly gone with age; they still are the nicest people around. Don’ worry, Lolo will keep his promise. The rest of you can queue behind me for your share of blessings. Hola 2007!
Saturday, December 30
Sunday, December 24
Is this the season to be jolly?
I struggle to find the words to describe what is to become this year’s Christmas. Bleak, black, bland or just simply plain? Time there was when it was the time to holler, open presents and generally party until the break of dawn. It was the time to travel to the rural areas to flash around those dollars and bring cheer to the back of beyond. It was an experience they would not stop bragging about until the following year.
As I write this piece, I face one of my greatest challenges ever. Such that Christmas will just be another day as I contemplate my fate and future. The fact that all is in God’s hands is the only comfort. Perhaps I will witness to you all when all this is over, or is it just he beginning?
In the meantime, we get the therapy that we are now all used to; to laugh at ourselves, in the vain hope that we will dismiss all of this as one sick joke. But in spite of everything, there are things that will never change. The churches will be filled to the brim with believers and non believers alike, hoping to receive the special blessings that the day holds. Or better still to display plumage so specially acquired for the festive season.
Siwela will, as always, lug his 3 speed cycle onto Pelandaba bus for the long journey to see family and relatives in Kezi. He would have saved enough groceries through the club at work to take home goodies such as rice, cooking oil, bathing and washing soap, sugar. That is not to forget a ‘straight’ of Viceroy for abadala and Skippers for iziporori. Omama will not mind Mazoe or any such like imitation. The local stores will have to supply bread and buns along with iLotion to take care of the post Christmas bhabhalazi.
In the city, Sibanda will save the best for the last. Opting to wait to be invited by better endowed relatives or friends who would have found instant wealth through some benevolent relative eDiapora endaminya. The rand would still have a semblance of value come Christmas Day, but not so after New Year. Sibanda will wait to savour the sweat of his labour, by having Mrs Sibanda cook rice and chicken with salad, with plenty to drink. And the good old Philips blaring out the latest UMaqondana with the speaker perched outside for all to hear.
The young ones will be out in full force, because this is indeed their day. They we be resplendent in the usual and unusual paraphernalia. While their parents ponder about next year’s school fees, all forms of blackmail and subterfuge would have exacted all manner of trinkets and dollies. Christmas is not Christmas without presents isn’t it? The bank might be broken, but there are things that are not for negotiation.
As I write this, we are preparing for our annual binge here at WORK. It means two things, there is lots of money to throw around that the bosses don’t care to admit (come January) and, we still have enough energy to pretend that things are just the way they were last year and the years before that. As a parting shot, our administration released this festive season memo. If you toil like a drone at my place of work and you missed it, then it means you don’t matter.
Anyway, here goes…and it always has to start with any apology:
Sorry for the delay...our Lawyers just approved the following Holiday Greeting:
To: All Employees
From: The Administration
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the Christmas holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all . . . and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition
of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but not without due respect for the many cultures whose contributions to society have helped make Zimbabwe great, (not to imply that Zimbabwe is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only country in sub-Saharan Africa or the world for that matter), and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or soccer club of the wishee.
By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/him self or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.
This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.
A merry Christmas everyone, and a thoroughly different and optimistically wonderful 2006 to you all. Peace!
Glossary
Iziporori - Hangers on
Abadala - The elders
Omama - Mothers
iLotion - a popular Sorghum beer presented in cream containers
Ibhabhalazi - Hangover
As I write this piece, I face one of my greatest challenges ever. Such that Christmas will just be another day as I contemplate my fate and future. The fact that all is in God’s hands is the only comfort. Perhaps I will witness to you all when all this is over, or is it just he beginning?
In the meantime, we get the therapy that we are now all used to; to laugh at ourselves, in the vain hope that we will dismiss all of this as one sick joke. But in spite of everything, there are things that will never change. The churches will be filled to the brim with believers and non believers alike, hoping to receive the special blessings that the day holds. Or better still to display plumage so specially acquired for the festive season.
Siwela will, as always, lug his 3 speed cycle onto Pelandaba bus for the long journey to see family and relatives in Kezi. He would have saved enough groceries through the club at work to take home goodies such as rice, cooking oil, bathing and washing soap, sugar. That is not to forget a ‘straight’ of Viceroy for abadala and Skippers for iziporori. Omama will not mind Mazoe or any such like imitation. The local stores will have to supply bread and buns along with iLotion to take care of the post Christmas bhabhalazi.
In the city, Sibanda will save the best for the last. Opting to wait to be invited by better endowed relatives or friends who would have found instant wealth through some benevolent relative eDiapora endaminya. The rand would still have a semblance of value come Christmas Day, but not so after New Year. Sibanda will wait to savour the sweat of his labour, by having Mrs Sibanda cook rice and chicken with salad, with plenty to drink. And the good old Philips blaring out the latest UMaqondana with the speaker perched outside for all to hear.
The young ones will be out in full force, because this is indeed their day. They we be resplendent in the usual and unusual paraphernalia. While their parents ponder about next year’s school fees, all forms of blackmail and subterfuge would have exacted all manner of trinkets and dollies. Christmas is not Christmas without presents isn’t it? The bank might be broken, but there are things that are not for negotiation.
As I write this, we are preparing for our annual binge here at WORK. It means two things, there is lots of money to throw around that the bosses don’t care to admit (come January) and, we still have enough energy to pretend that things are just the way they were last year and the years before that. As a parting shot, our administration released this festive season memo. If you toil like a drone at my place of work and you missed it, then it means you don’t matter.
Anyway, here goes…and it always has to start with any apology:
Sorry for the delay...our Lawyers just approved the following Holiday Greeting:
To: All Employees
From: The Administration
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the Christmas holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all . . . and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition
of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but not without due respect for the many cultures whose contributions to society have helped make Zimbabwe great, (not to imply that Zimbabwe is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only country in sub-Saharan Africa or the world for that matter), and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or soccer club of the wishee.
By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/him self or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.
This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.
A merry Christmas everyone, and a thoroughly different and optimistically wonderful 2006 to you all. Peace!
Glossary
Iziporori - Hangers on
Abadala - The elders
Omama - Mothers
iLotion - a popular Sorghum beer presented in cream containers
Ibhabhalazi - Hangover
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