It is said that a philosopher is a fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead. While a criminal is a guy no different from the rest of us except that he got caught. A doctor is a person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills while a lawyer is someone who is paid handsomely to lie on our behalf when we are in hot soup.
Let me state from the outset that I have friends or relations who are lawyers. So I have nothing against them. The material used here is very true, nothing but the truth. Knowing lawyers as I do, they will laugh it off in public then privately sue my socks off. All I can say in my defense is that I am just a messenger. And you wouldn’t shoot the messenger because he is the bearer bad news, would you?
Much has been said about the law profession, but not enough. Lawyers are rarely on the receiving end. I guess because they have the singular distinction of playing hero and the villain at the same time! That depends on which side of the law you happen to fall. The lawyer is supposed to lie you out of trouble. That is his job. You pay him, he lies, you are freed, end of story.
Edward Ward (who the hell is he?) once said that a good lawyer is a great liar. An “anonymous” individual went one better by defining a lawyer as a liar with a permit to practice. It is hard to say whether the doctors of law or of divinity have made the greater advances in the lucrative business of mystery, so said movie mogul Samuel Goldwyn. Jean Giradoux, another individual who was not well endeared to the law profession once said that there is no better way to exercise the imagination than in the study of the law. ‘No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth,’ he said.
Some five years ago, if those of you can remember, I came across some lawyer barbs which were quite, eh, funny. For instance, how many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? None, they'd rather keep their clients in the dark. How do you know when a lawyer is not lying? When his lips stop moving. In the United States, one juror was overheard saying to another..."You'll notice that neither the prosecutor nor defense attorney swore to tell the truth!"
A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket and ordered a double scotch. A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, the man told the bartender he'd had enough. The bartender said, "I've got to ask you-what's with the pocket business?"
"Oh," said the man, "I have my lawyer's picture in here, and when he starts to look honest, I know I've had enough."
In another situation, a university committee was selecting a new dean. They had narrowed the candidates down to a mathematician, an economist and a lawyer. Each was asked this question during their interview: "How much is two plus two?" The mathematician answered immediately, "Four." The economist thought for several minutes and finally answered, "Four, plus or minus one." Finally the lawyer stood up, peered around the room and motioned silently for the committee members to gather close to him. In a hushed, conspiratorial tone, he replied, "How much do you want it to be?"
Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case.
"Look," said one to the other, "let's be honest with each other."
"Okay, you first," replied the other, and that was the end of the discussion.
Lawyer to client: "Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly, did you steal the car?"
Client: "After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I'm beginning to think I didn't."
For their profession, lawyers would love this as their motto: “The facts in a case, although interesting, are irrelevant.”
Had enough? Wait until you get a load of this. These are insightful witnesses getting their own back on stunningly stupid questions lawyers sometimes ask:
Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Ncube was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."
Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."
Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
Disclaimer: This article is not intended to ridicule lawyers. Any resemblance to the conduct of a lawyer either dead or living is purely coincidental.
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