It is said that a philosopher is a fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead. While a criminal is a guy no different from the rest of us except that he got caught. A doctor is a person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills while a lawyer is someone who is paid handsomely to lie on our behalf when we are in hot soup.
Let me state from the outset that I have friends or relations who are lawyers. So I have nothing against them. The material used here is very true, nothing but the truth. Knowing lawyers as I do, they will laugh it off in public then privately sue my socks off. All I can say in my defense is that I am just a messenger. And you wouldn’t shoot the messenger because he is the bearer bad news, would you?
Much has been said about the law profession, but not enough. Lawyers are rarely on the receiving end. I guess because they have the singular distinction of playing hero and the villain at the same time! That depends on which side of the law you happen to fall. The lawyer is supposed to lie you out of trouble. That is his job. You pay him, he lies, you are freed, end of story.
Edward Ward (who the hell is he?) once said that a good lawyer is a great liar. An “anonymous” individual went one better by defining a lawyer as a liar with a permit to practice. It is hard to say whether the doctors of law or of divinity have made the greater advances in the lucrative business of mystery, so said movie mogul Samuel Goldwyn. Jean Giradoux, another individual who was not well endeared to the law profession once said that there is no better way to exercise the imagination than in the study of the law. ‘No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth,’ he said.
Some five years ago, if those of you can remember, I came across some lawyer barbs which were quite, eh, funny. For instance, how many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? None, they'd rather keep their clients in the dark. How do you know when a lawyer is not lying? When his lips stop moving. In the United States, one juror was overheard saying to another..."You'll notice that neither the prosecutor nor defense attorney swore to tell the truth!"
A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket and ordered a double scotch. A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, the man told the bartender he'd had enough. The bartender said, "I've got to ask you-what's with the pocket business?"
"Oh," said the man, "I have my lawyer's picture in here, and when he starts to look honest, I know I've had enough."
In another situation, a university committee was selecting a new dean. They had narrowed the candidates down to a mathematician, an economist and a lawyer. Each was asked this question during their interview: "How much is two plus two?" The mathematician answered immediately, "Four." The economist thought for several minutes and finally answered, "Four, plus or minus one." Finally the lawyer stood up, peered around the room and motioned silently for the committee members to gather close to him. In a hushed, conspiratorial tone, he replied, "How much do you want it to be?"
Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case.
"Look," said one to the other, "let's be honest with each other."
"Okay, you first," replied the other, and that was the end of the discussion.
Lawyer to client: "Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly, did you steal the car?"
Client: "After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I'm beginning to think I didn't."
For their profession, lawyers would love this as their motto: “The facts in a case, although interesting, are irrelevant.”
Had enough? Wait until you get a load of this. These are insightful witnesses getting their own back on stunningly stupid questions lawyers sometimes ask:
Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Ncube was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."
Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."
Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
Disclaimer: This article is not intended to ridicule lawyers. Any resemblance to the conduct of a lawyer either dead or living is purely coincidental.
Sunday, September 24
Monday, September 18
One hell of a night!
With apologies to Melvin Durai. Visit his hilarious site at www.melvindurai.com
The price of beer has gone up, again, yet he is sticking to his old ways. Don’t ever kid yourself that he will change. The battle lines have only been re-drawn. You then really wonder where he would have been when he rocks up the front door at six in the morning and you assume that he has been lying in the arms of Mary. Wrong again! Don’t die from worry asking yourself whether he has been arrested, kidnapped or worse, run over by a bicycle! Well, if you didn’t know, he would be having a time of his life!
Every wife would surely want to know what really goes through his mind at that time. Allow us to open an ‘X’ file most men would have liked to be kept a state secret…until now. Seek comfort in the fact that you are not the only “beer widow” in the neighbourhood no matter what that nosy Mrs Perfect tells you about her angel of a husband. What really would have happened to your man when he crawls up the front porch at the crack of dawn? What really goes on in his brain, women often wonder.
According to humourist, Melvin Durai, there are 5 levels of drinking and for argument’s sake we will analyse all five even though some of us men would not care to admit it, technically speaking.
LEVEL 1:
It’s 11o’clock on a weeknight, you have had a ‘few’ beers though even that figure is debatable. A little angel appears on your right shoulder; “Time to pack it in old chap, the wife and kids are getting worried.” You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. Here at level one you think to yourself, “Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snaps fingers), I’m cool.”
LEVEL 2:
It’s midnight. You have had a ‘few’ more beers. You have just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your left shoulder. And now you are thinking,” Hey! I’m out with friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I’m cool.”
LEVEL 3:
One in the morning, you have abandoned beer for some poison with a name you can’t even pronounce. It’s served in tiny glasses and you have to ignite it with a match before one slugs it to the back of the mouth. You have just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you are thinking,”Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen!” At level three, you love the world. On the way to the toilet, you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar because you like his face. You also like the reflection of your face on the water inside the toilet bowl. Aren’t you the most handsome guy in the universe? But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger...and he is buying. And you’re thinking,”Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep...and a complete change of blood (snap fingers), I’m cool.”
LEVEL 4:
Two in the morning and the devil is bar tending. For the last call, you ordered a bottle of Jamaican Rum. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the toilet, you punch the guy at the end of the bar, just because you don’t like his face. Your friends decide to leave, right after you are thrown out, and one of you knows an after-hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to your self, “Well...as long as I’m only going to get a couple of hours sleep anyway, I may as well...STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!! Yeah! That would be good for me. I don’t mind going to the staff meeting looking like Alcoholics Synonymous. Yeah, I’II turn that around, and make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow...cool.”
LEVEL 5:
Five in the morning, after unsuccessfully trying to negotiate with the bouncer at the door for free entry, you and your friends wind up in a sleazy night club across town with guys who have got out of prison as recently as...that morning. It’s the kind of place where even the devil is going, ”Uh, I have to turn in. I have to be in Hell at nine. I can’t miss that breakfast meeting with Idi Amin.” At this point, you are drinking some kind of clear liquid, powerful enough to power a Boeing 747 to the Island of Bora Bora and back. A woman with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, ”Someday I’m going to marry this girl!” One of your friends stands up and screams, ”WE’RE DRIVING TO THE MOON!!!”-And passes out. You crawl outside for air, and then you hit the worst part of level five - the sun. You weren’t expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of the club into broad daylight, and you see people on their way to work. And they look at you shaking their heads asking, “Who the hell beat up this guy?”
Let’s be honest, if you are 19 and you stay up all night, it’s a victory like you have beaten the night. But if you are over 40, then that sun is like God’s flashlight. At this point you say that ever-common prayer. It goes something like this:”I swear, I will never do this again as long as I live!” And some of us have that little addition, “and this time I mean it!” Famous last words.
So ladies, the next time he rocks up at dawn, after giving him the traditional work over with the frying pan or rolling pin, at least give his story some credit if he told you that he had ONE HELL OF A NIGHT!
The price of beer has gone up, again, yet he is sticking to his old ways. Don’t ever kid yourself that he will change. The battle lines have only been re-drawn. You then really wonder where he would have been when he rocks up the front door at six in the morning and you assume that he has been lying in the arms of Mary. Wrong again! Don’t die from worry asking yourself whether he has been arrested, kidnapped or worse, run over by a bicycle! Well, if you didn’t know, he would be having a time of his life!
Every wife would surely want to know what really goes through his mind at that time. Allow us to open an ‘X’ file most men would have liked to be kept a state secret…until now. Seek comfort in the fact that you are not the only “beer widow” in the neighbourhood no matter what that nosy Mrs Perfect tells you about her angel of a husband. What really would have happened to your man when he crawls up the front porch at the crack of dawn? What really goes on in his brain, women often wonder.
According to humourist, Melvin Durai, there are 5 levels of drinking and for argument’s sake we will analyse all five even though some of us men would not care to admit it, technically speaking.
LEVEL 1:
It’s 11o’clock on a weeknight, you have had a ‘few’ beers though even that figure is debatable. A little angel appears on your right shoulder; “Time to pack it in old chap, the wife and kids are getting worried.” You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. Here at level one you think to yourself, “Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snaps fingers), I’m cool.”
LEVEL 2:
It’s midnight. You have had a ‘few’ more beers. You have just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your left shoulder. And now you are thinking,” Hey! I’m out with friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I’m cool.”
LEVEL 3:
One in the morning, you have abandoned beer for some poison with a name you can’t even pronounce. It’s served in tiny glasses and you have to ignite it with a match before one slugs it to the back of the mouth. You have just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you are thinking,”Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen!” At level three, you love the world. On the way to the toilet, you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar because you like his face. You also like the reflection of your face on the water inside the toilet bowl. Aren’t you the most handsome guy in the universe? But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger...and he is buying. And you’re thinking,”Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep...and a complete change of blood (snap fingers), I’m cool.”
LEVEL 4:
Two in the morning and the devil is bar tending. For the last call, you ordered a bottle of Jamaican Rum. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the toilet, you punch the guy at the end of the bar, just because you don’t like his face. Your friends decide to leave, right after you are thrown out, and one of you knows an after-hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to your self, “Well...as long as I’m only going to get a couple of hours sleep anyway, I may as well...STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!! Yeah! That would be good for me. I don’t mind going to the staff meeting looking like Alcoholics Synonymous. Yeah, I’II turn that around, and make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow...cool.”
LEVEL 5:
Five in the morning, after unsuccessfully trying to negotiate with the bouncer at the door for free entry, you and your friends wind up in a sleazy night club across town with guys who have got out of prison as recently as...that morning. It’s the kind of place where even the devil is going, ”Uh, I have to turn in. I have to be in Hell at nine. I can’t miss that breakfast meeting with Idi Amin.” At this point, you are drinking some kind of clear liquid, powerful enough to power a Boeing 747 to the Island of Bora Bora and back. A woman with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, ”Someday I’m going to marry this girl!” One of your friends stands up and screams, ”WE’RE DRIVING TO THE MOON!!!”-And passes out. You crawl outside for air, and then you hit the worst part of level five - the sun. You weren’t expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of the club into broad daylight, and you see people on their way to work. And they look at you shaking their heads asking, “Who the hell beat up this guy?”
Let’s be honest, if you are 19 and you stay up all night, it’s a victory like you have beaten the night. But if you are over 40, then that sun is like God’s flashlight. At this point you say that ever-common prayer. It goes something like this:”I swear, I will never do this again as long as I live!” And some of us have that little addition, “and this time I mean it!” Famous last words.
So ladies, the next time he rocks up at dawn, after giving him the traditional work over with the frying pan or rolling pin, at least give his story some credit if he told you that he had ONE HELL OF A NIGHT!
The mouse comes out to play
The woman of the house (read, W-I-F-E) has gone on a ‘business trip’ Down-Under. That is far enough for this mouse to come out to play and write things that would get him in very hot soup. The fact that this column is public record and is printed in indelible ink, I would strongly advise all men out there to pray for one of their own the day SHE sets her eyes on what I am about to write. In fact, a phenomenon known as Tell-A-Woman will ensure that the Mrs gets an uncensored version of this article in Real Time. Which means by the time I finish writing this, the offended party would rather swim the shark infested Indian Ocean to box me round the ears. Kungasenani, here goes:
Those of you who are computer literate will enjoy this one; the IT (Information Technology) derived descriptions of a woman. We have the Hard-Disk Woman: She remembers everything, FOREVER. RAM Woman: She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off. WINDOWS Woman: Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her. EXCEL Woman: They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for your four basic needs. Screensaver Woman: She is good for nothing but at least she is fun! Internet Woman: Difficult to access. Server Woman: Always busy when you need her. Multimedia Woman: She makes horrible things look beautiful. CD-ROM Woman: She is always faster and faster. E-mail Woman: Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense. And finally, the Virus Woman: Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything......
Just thinking out loud; perhaps it’s time to review the life of a married man. Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. Actually, should the truth be known, there are a lot of good ways to "handle" a woman. Unfortunately, not a man alive knows any of them. And if he did, he'd be wise not to try. Personally I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and Father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention. Did any of you other married guys out there ever wonder whether it's better to have loved and lost, than to have loved and won?
But again, men do not come out winners in the battle of the sexes. Take this story as an example. A man feared that his wife wasn't hearing as good as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
"Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 20 metres away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 15 metres, then 10 metres, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he on the veranda.
He says to himself, "I'm about 20 metres away, let's see what happens."Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?" Noresponse. So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 15 metres from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 10 metres from his wife and asks, “Honey, what's for dinner?" Again he gets no response, so he walks up to the kitchen door, about 5 metres away."Honey, what’s for dinner?" Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?""James, for the FIFTH time I've said, CHICKEN!"
The moral of the story is that the problem may not be with the other one as we always think, it be could be very much within us! Confront yourself before blaming the other. Just like the dilemma of who’s impotent between the two.
Those of you who are computer literate will enjoy this one; the IT (Information Technology) derived descriptions of a woman. We have the Hard-Disk Woman: She remembers everything, FOREVER. RAM Woman: She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off. WINDOWS Woman: Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her. EXCEL Woman: They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for your four basic needs. Screensaver Woman: She is good for nothing but at least she is fun! Internet Woman: Difficult to access. Server Woman: Always busy when you need her. Multimedia Woman: She makes horrible things look beautiful. CD-ROM Woman: She is always faster and faster. E-mail Woman: Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense. And finally, the Virus Woman: Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything......
Just thinking out loud; perhaps it’s time to review the life of a married man. Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. Actually, should the truth be known, there are a lot of good ways to "handle" a woman. Unfortunately, not a man alive knows any of them. And if he did, he'd be wise not to try. Personally I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and Father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention. Did any of you other married guys out there ever wonder whether it's better to have loved and lost, than to have loved and won?
But again, men do not come out winners in the battle of the sexes. Take this story as an example. A man feared that his wife wasn't hearing as good as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
"Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 20 metres away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 15 metres, then 10 metres, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he on the veranda.
He says to himself, "I'm about 20 metres away, let's see what happens."Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?" Noresponse. So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 15 metres from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 10 metres from his wife and asks, “Honey, what's for dinner?" Again he gets no response, so he walks up to the kitchen door, about 5 metres away."Honey, what’s for dinner?" Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?""James, for the FIFTH time I've said, CHICKEN!"
The moral of the story is that the problem may not be with the other one as we always think, it be could be very much within us! Confront yourself before blaming the other. Just like the dilemma of who’s impotent between the two.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)