The guy who stole Christmas

Welcome to 2008 and here’s to all those who thought I would not make it. The big story of course wasn’t whether people had the temerity of slipping into the New Year without any ‘scratches’ like what happened to my friend Don. Sorry tshomi I just had to slip that one in somehow. All that advice about going around wearing a helmet complete with bull bars should not go to waste.

The big story was indeed a Christmas without money. It gave the term a ‘cashless economy’ a whole new meaning. Abantu went through hell just to get their hard earned money. Even Umthunywa asked ukuthi yikhisimusi bani engelamali? Yebo sibili, what kind of Christmas was this? And we all thought that this was a time of giving!

Some even refer to our reserve bank Governor as the man who stole Christmas. Do you still remember iKhisimusi eyeReserva with all the sentimentality of visiting the old folks in the sticks? The fact that there was no electricity, only acrid smoke in the kitchens and the Blair toilet were the least of our worries. This was also the time to catch up on the best gossip of the past year.

You were told, and animatedly so, about how Sibanda from behind the anthill had bewitched uMoyo from the swamp because his truent son uBigboy had impregnated his (Sibanda’s) star daughter uEsinathi (who was about to write her ‘O’s) who was earmarked for an arranged marriage to Nyathi the businessman.

Never mind the fact that Nyathi was seeing NakaNtombi, Siziba’s vivacious second wife . Her latest baby’s paternity is in question, of course, but no one dare tell Siziba. The man can wield a wicked knobkerrie, bra! What about old man Dube from near the Mission, struck by lightening on a clear cloudless day after kicking Zulu’s m’gaxa (emaciated dog) but still living to tell the tale.

And our relatives from the Diaspora poured over the border on what many of them termed a humanitarian mission. They brought anything they could carry from water to whisky, food and fuel and of course the precious rands. They were in for a nasty shock when they discovered ukuthi ekhaya, mara, kuyabheda ne! Apart from the cash squeeze, the booze was way too expensive for them to stick around. Like a shot they were back over the Limpopo to lick their wounds. More on injiva next time folks.

What a downright mess…
Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. One of them kept complaining of family problems. Finally, the other man said: "You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation. A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married. Later my father married my step daughter. That made my stepdaughter my stepmother and my father became my stepson. Also, my wife became mother in-law of her father-in-law. Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grand-son. That made methe grandfather of my half-brother.
This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the grandmother." This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife, I'm my stepmother’s brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I'm My own grandfather!"

And you think you have family problems!

And here’s to your health
To kick in the New Year, we present to you the usual fare of stuff aimed for the rib cage. These are actual writings on some patient's cards at some hospital in the rural area in the back of beyond and it’s all true. Here goes…

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills but her husband says she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in Casualty she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.

Where did the year go?
Where did the year go? Suddenly it is January again and we realize that with giant strides we started last January, within a blink of an eye, 2007 is on its back! A big "Thank You" to each and every single one of you, for the huge impact you had on my life this past year. Especially for all the support and compliments in the e-mails I received.......without you, I'm sure that 2007 would have been extremely boring.

From my side I wish you all a magical New Year filled with loving wishes and beautiful thoughts. This year will be different.May 2008 mark the beginning of a tidal wave of love, happiness and bright futures.

And to those who need someone special, may you find that true love.
To those who need money, may your finances overflow,To those who need caring, may you find a good heart,To those who need friends, may you meet lovely people,To those who need life, may you find GOD!

Have a Prosperous New Year!