The 59th edition of the Miss Universe pageant ended recently with Miss Mexico Jimena Navarrete Rosete sauntering away with the coveted crown. Miss Jamaica Yendi Phillips and 19-year-old Miss Australia Jesinta Campbell came second and third respectively at the pageant that was held at the Mandalay Bay Resort and Casino, Las Vegas, Nevada, US on August 23rd. Where the hell was Miss Zimbabwe?
Organisers pandered to the accusation that pageants are glorified meat markets. This they did by allowing some of the contestants to pose topless with only body glittering paint and covering the strategic parts. This was just a publicity stunt if you ask me, that translated into valuable hits.
Nonetheless, this brought out the Mother Grundy types from the woodwork who accused organisers of putting contestants in a compromising position. This, they said, went against concept of the beauty with brains. Compromising position indeed; that is a conundrum that we are familiar with in Zimbabwe.
At independence our politicians were dead against the whole idea of beauty pageants. It begins when some dusty guerillas emerged from the bush to rule the country. The then Minister for Community Development and Women’s Affairs Joyce Teurai Ropa (spill blood) Nhongo (now Vice President Joyce Mujuru) called for the banning of beauty contests because not only were they un-African but they degraded women. She said that beauty pageants misrepresented the real Zimbabwean woman.
In 1981, Juliet Nyathi was scheduled to represent Zimbabwe in the Miss World contest in London. Mujuru was quoted as saying that Juliet was going there as plain ‘Miss Beauty’ on behalf of those “who wish to commercialize her physical assets.
“In the concept of African tradition, culture and morals a woman’s body was solely for her husband and herself,” she said.
The cartoonists of the day had a field day caricaturing the ‘ideal’ Zimbabwean beauty who was supposed to be ‘moral, dignified and disciplined.’ One cartoon had a girl, wearing a doek on her head, carrying a baby on her back, brandishing a hoe and umpini-mugoti (cooking stick). She was dressed in the ubiquitous sarong with the image of popular political leader (of the day) on her backside. To cap it off ‘Mai Zimbabwe’ was shown doing the kongonya dance.
Fast forward a couple of decades and we had the debate resuscitated by one Kudakwashe Marazanye, who advocated for the banning of beauty pageants in the country. He wrote that Government should pass a law that forbid girls at tertiary institutions from participating since it was a waste of tax payers' money.
“A third world country like Zimbabwe needs all the budding and potential pharmacists, engineers etc before satiating the appetites of rich men with beautiful ladies," he wrote then in the Zimbabwe Independent.
Then there was the ‘Miss Rural’ scandal which seemed to confirm Kuda’s fears. Well known business moguls and politicians were said to be abusing innocent country bumpkins that had been lured with promises of education and a rich life. A certain businesswoman connected with the ill-fated pageant had a torrid time at the hands of some of these people and was nearly ‘sent down’ to a mental institution as a result.
What is my take in all of this? Well I was judge of the Miss Zimbabwe regional finals; twice. No, a pervert I am not, though my friends envied me for having a front row seat ogling at all those beautiful women. I have to admit that any hot bloodied male would kill to be in my shoes. There was serious controversy among the guys as to why it had to be me.
“Shouldn’t such ‘sensitive’ duties be offered on a rotational basis?” they bayed.
Admittedly, controversy has never left that pageant alone. There was the race debate when Una Patel an Indian from Bulawayo went on to become Miss Zimbabwe proper. I was judge at the regional finals that chose her ahead of 20 other hopefuls. You just can’t please all the people all the time. There will always be some who will dispute the winner.
If I had a say, my own seventy-year old mother would have qualified. Any choice would be subjective and it’s a combination of factors that lead to the final decision. Take it from me; it’s really difficult to fix a contest though I must admit that there have been less than reputable contests.
Sexual exploitation has been at the top of many complaints about pageants. However, speaking as a former judge, I can vouch for the integrity of the Miss Zimbabwe contests I was involved in. The judges are meticulously chosen personalities from within the community. Do not forget that most of my colleagues on the panel were women.
I also agree to the view that there are more beautiful women in the audience than those strutting on the ramp. Since they chose not to contest why should the judges consider them? The mandate of the judge is to assess what is before him and not to start looking for better fish in the ocean. I had a friend who was convinced that his wife would qualify though he was against her parading in a bikini in public.
To those who have perennially lambasted beauty contests as exploitative meat markets, take comfort in the fact that the overwhelming majority of the screaming audience are women. Men do not want to be caught dead at a beauty contest by their wives unless they are there with them. That would definitely send the wrong signals. Men on a fishing expedition, that is. Another thing, there is no worse sight in a wife's eyes than her man drooling over some floozy in a g-string.
The exception, of course, would be those pageants that were held at the University of Zimbabwe. To this day I admire the bravery, if not stupidity, of those girls who chose to be debased to that level by participating. The audience was mainly composed of drunk, vulgar and randy males, that in itself a deadly combination.
Short of being raped on stage, the contestants were called all sorts of names, whistled at and God knows what else. If Mrs Mujuru had attended just one of those charades, the beauty pageant would have been the subject of history lessons by now. I should add that some those forming the jeering crowd are now ‘respectable’ members of society. We are not here to name names are we?
Mr and Mrs 1966 Botswana contest
Let’s cap this up with a gem from the Botswana Sunday Standard’s ‘Below the Belt’ Column. According to the columnist, Independence Day always inspires some out-of-the-box ideas of making money and one this year has to qualify as the lamest of them all.
“Somebody, who has obviously never seen a beauty pageant, plans to organise a Mr and Miss 1966 Botswana. First of all, there is a good reason why pageants are restricted people under 25 years of age.
Beyond a certain age, some body parts (tummy, cheeks, buttocks and neck) attain self-rule and guard it jealously. Try as one might, no number of trips to the gym can help that person re-impose his rule over those parts. Does one need evidence? Look outside your window.
Secondly, the sole reason beauty pageants are held is so that the top 10 yuppies in a place can choose future ex-girlfriends. These guys are only interested in girls under 25 years. It is unlikely though that the organisers would heed this advice. If BTV shows this contest, they would well be advised to do so after midnight because the sight of cellulite and independent tummies is what nightmares are made of.” Classic!
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