If you are a family man in Zimbabwe, who is law abiding and is not into shady deals, you have had it. There is practically no way you can tell me that things are fine for you at this time of year, particularly ‘this’ time of the year. Personally, I am seriously considering putting my family under judicial management. Then I don’t have to worry about all the monies that I owe people. Or better still, I could ask that my family and I be turned into state property.
The only problem with the former would be that I would have to wait until the next budget to be funded. Now that is a very long time to wait for a stipend. At any rate, unless you are a gold-panner (know as Makorokoza) or a diamond dealer who has escaped the jaws of Operation Chikorokoza Chapera or some form of corrupt activity…you should be on your knees praying for a miracle.
Things are tough, mshana. But some get by through divine intervention alone. Take the guy who earns Z$20,000 (revalued as opposed to devalued) and is supposed to pay school fees worth Z$80,000, not to mention shelling Z$40,000 for transport. That leaves absolutely nothing for rent, food and beer! Even injiva, as migrant workers from South Africa are known here, felt the heat. They beat a hasty retreat towards Beitbridge the moment they discovered that their rand wasn’t worth jack. Those who had planned to stay a couple of weeks more were spotted pawning their cell-phones on Boxing Day just to enough fuel to reach the border, heyi wena!
‘Mara kuyabheda apha ekhaya fethu!’ they were heard cursing under their breath. What they failed to do, arrogant as they usually are, was to ask those of us with experience on survival tactics, such as pushing your car half way to town from Pumula to save fuel. We would have told them about ‘cruising’ (with the engine switched off) from ‘D’ Square to Happy Valley, as long as the ‘robots’ are green or amber or unless that police road block cum toll gate at the Nguboyenja fly-over isn’t there for some inexplicable reason.
They also made the mistake of driving around with a car bearing GP number plates. Unless you robbed a bank in Nelspruit, that is a red flag for the traffic police. My advice was for them to park it out of sight and borrow a ‘better-than-walking’ from the neighbour. He would be so glad because it would be the first time in years that the jalopy had a full tank of fuel.
Better still, they should have melted into the crowds by using what we plebeians use for transportation…good old kombi, Bra! We might be risking our lives on a daily basis but what other choice do we have? Walking? Ungabi ngucleva when riding a ‘commuter’ asking uwhindi (tout) such silly questions like whether he got a receipt at that road block. Hell hath no fury like a tout scorned! He is likely to eject you with the words, “Hamba wena uyebabuza ukuthi yindaba!” (Go and ask them yourself!) Such is the life of survivors, to mind your business when others are doing theirs. No matter how elicit.
What about the queues? Not the ones at the bank, nor the ones for bread at the supermarket. I mean the queues at every school in the country. Parents are begging headmasters to give them enough time to rush off to Marange or Bocha (where there is an outbreak of the precious stone) so that they can raise money for the fees. There is practically no way a salaried person can afford those fees, never, unless the head is a distant relative or a drinking buddy, khohlwa sibali.
And this thing about rising prices each time we turn our backs. Greed is one thing but what is happening nowadays defies definition. I think its time those handcuffs did their job on some unscrupulous individuals once again. Just ask the managers from that bread company though it seems to have worked well for them. Hours after being sprung from the cells did the legal price of bread quadruple. It definitely sets a bad precedent for crafty capitalists. I hope we are not going to see some managers volunteering to be arrested for illegal price hiking so as to coax a higher figure from the authorities. Funny things really do happen sometimes.
Quote of the Week: “Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.” Unknown
What it means:
Injiva or Imtshifana. Zimbabweans who have gone to South Africa through various ways and means are come back to show off their being well off. Usually loud, pompous and arrogant.
Gold Panners. (Makorokoza) have wreaked hovoc on the environment answering the call of greed by digging anywhere they think gold is at.
Currency revaluation. What happened to Zimbabwe's currency by striking off the last three zeros to allow suffreing citizens to carry decent loads of cash made near useless by quadruple digit inflation.
Operation Chikorokoza Chapera (Lit: Gold Panning is finished) A police dragnet that attmpts to arrest the widespread destruction at its perpetrators.
‘Mara kuyabheda apha ekhaya fethu!’ "Its tough at home for sure"
GP number plates. The licence plates found on vehicles from Gauteng Province (Joburg) as called 'Gangster's Paradise' with good reason
'Ungabi ngucleva' Don't be clever and a half.
Marange or Bocha. These are places in the Eastern Highlands of Zimbabwe where a diamond rush of sorts is in progress, making instant millionaires out of once dirt poor peasants.
Khohlwa, sibali! Forget it
Thursday, January 11
Wednesday, January 3
The Mother of all hangovers
I know exactly how you feel; severely hung-over. It is that feeling you feel after you felt you had to have the feeling that you never felt before. You are now counting the losses and you are classified as a casualty of your own merriment. The evidence is there in the form of the red crates piled behind the kitchen door, or the burgeoning rubbish bin, which gave way to a huge hole you dug in the garden trying to hide the fact that you had an extravagant festive season. Yes, you really overdid it this time Jeki.
What about the school fees, mfo! You should have thought of that as you sipped expensive wine like you were Bill Gates himself. What about the rent, lamanzi, lamagetsi? Don’ you feel like killing yourself? I do too! But something tells me that I have to count my blessings. The fact is that I am alive and kicking in 2007 is some mean achievement, don’t you agree? What it means, in a few words, is that you have been chosen to face the very problems mentioned above for another full year! Yeah! Aren’t you just lucky?
On the bright side think of all those things that are provided for you free of charge. Like the air you breathe, the sunshine, free entertainment in the form of chirping birds and stinging bees. And to think that you are not alone in feeling the feeling. Take comfort in the fact that a problem shared is a problem halved. And you don’t hear me taking about challenges. Whoever coined that horrible, deceptive word? A problem is a problem, period!
But then I digress. My subject matter at the beginning was that of the hangover. I did some research and came up with some interesting stuff courtesy of howstuffworks.com
It is a fact of life that hangovers have plagued people throughout history. The Bible even makes mention of the pain that follows a night of heavy drinking: "Woe unto them that rise up early in the morning, that they may follow strong drink" (Isaiah 5:11).
And Shakespeare knew the unwanted effects of alcohol, as shown in his play Macbeth (Act 2 scene 3):
Macduff: What three things does drink especially promote?
Porter: Marry sir, nose-painting, sleep, and urine.
It is written that it's no secret intoxication has a number of immediate negative consequences. "Among other things, it impairs judgement, it impairs the ability to do most things and it can bring on a depressed mood. But even after a drinker has sobered up, alcohol can still be causing the body trouble. More than 75 percent of alcohol consumers have experienced a hangover at least once; 15 percent have one at least every month; and 25 percent of college students feel symptoms weekly," quoteth howstuffworks.com. As if we didn’t know that already.
And of course, the New Year came with a bang. In fact, so many bangs that one felt like being caught in the middle of World War 3. I have never seen such a wild display of fireworks in my entire life! And then you have the Zimbabwe Republic Police playing the party pooper right in the midst of all of the gaiety. What in God’s name got into our inspired police force to issue a statement that fireworks were a no-no at the last minute? We were ‘urged’ to register at the nearest cop shop or else!
One would have thought instead, that a word of caution over their use was in order, seeing that one or two people nearly blew their fingers off and one was shot in the head on the eve. If they were really serious, they should have barred the sale of fireworks in the first place. If you were watching TV even the Australians, who had the privilege of being among the first to celebrate the arrival of 2007, were in on the orgy of fireworks. We wonder how many people registered, or were arrested for breaking the law. Which law for that matter?
And then we had commuter omnibus operators spoiling the party unilaterally hiking transport fares by 100% .Who do they think they are, fouling up the festive season like that? In fact it was after I overheard a driver and uwindi discussing another travesty, the rise in the bread price, that they wondered when they should take their turn to raise fares to $100,000 just like that! And to make it worse, we all lapped it up and quietly accepted the preposterous increase. When are we ever going to wake up and smell the coffee? Just you wait until they raise the fares to $200,000 then lizazibonela!
What about bread? What bread, you might ask. More precisely, bread crumbs. Try cutting it and it disintegrates into nothingness. I have even tried to glue the stuff together without much luck. And to think that bakers were awarded much more than what they were arrested for. What really troubles me is why we continue to accept this excuse for confectionary that is sold to us at extortionist prices. What happened to quality control? Where is the Consumer Council? Where is our appetite?
Finally, some sobering words of advice: If you feel the urge of taking one more drink, and that you are prone to sweating after a night out, and your mouth feels dry all the time and all you can think of is ‘One more Mr barman!’ then contact your local Alcoholics Anonymous. You are in serious need of repair.
Glossary
Jeki - slang for 'Jack'
Amanzi/amagetsi - SiNdebele for water and electricity
Uwindi - Transport touts
"Lizazibonela" - You will see (SiNdebele)
What about the school fees, mfo! You should have thought of that as you sipped expensive wine like you were Bill Gates himself. What about the rent, lamanzi, lamagetsi? Don’ you feel like killing yourself? I do too! But something tells me that I have to count my blessings. The fact is that I am alive and kicking in 2007 is some mean achievement, don’t you agree? What it means, in a few words, is that you have been chosen to face the very problems mentioned above for another full year! Yeah! Aren’t you just lucky?
On the bright side think of all those things that are provided for you free of charge. Like the air you breathe, the sunshine, free entertainment in the form of chirping birds and stinging bees. And to think that you are not alone in feeling the feeling. Take comfort in the fact that a problem shared is a problem halved. And you don’t hear me taking about challenges. Whoever coined that horrible, deceptive word? A problem is a problem, period!
But then I digress. My subject matter at the beginning was that of the hangover. I did some research and came up with some interesting stuff courtesy of howstuffworks.com
It is a fact of life that hangovers have plagued people throughout history. The Bible even makes mention of the pain that follows a night of heavy drinking: "Woe unto them that rise up early in the morning, that they may follow strong drink" (Isaiah 5:11).
And Shakespeare knew the unwanted effects of alcohol, as shown in his play Macbeth (Act 2 scene 3):
Macduff: What three things does drink especially promote?
Porter: Marry sir, nose-painting, sleep, and urine.
It is written that it's no secret intoxication has a number of immediate negative consequences. "Among other things, it impairs judgement, it impairs the ability to do most things and it can bring on a depressed mood. But even after a drinker has sobered up, alcohol can still be causing the body trouble. More than 75 percent of alcohol consumers have experienced a hangover at least once; 15 percent have one at least every month; and 25 percent of college students feel symptoms weekly," quoteth howstuffworks.com. As if we didn’t know that already.
And of course, the New Year came with a bang. In fact, so many bangs that one felt like being caught in the middle of World War 3. I have never seen such a wild display of fireworks in my entire life! And then you have the Zimbabwe Republic Police playing the party pooper right in the midst of all of the gaiety. What in God’s name got into our inspired police force to issue a statement that fireworks were a no-no at the last minute? We were ‘urged’ to register at the nearest cop shop or else!
One would have thought instead, that a word of caution over their use was in order, seeing that one or two people nearly blew their fingers off and one was shot in the head on the eve. If they were really serious, they should have barred the sale of fireworks in the first place. If you were watching TV even the Australians, who had the privilege of being among the first to celebrate the arrival of 2007, were in on the orgy of fireworks. We wonder how many people registered, or were arrested for breaking the law. Which law for that matter?
And then we had commuter omnibus operators spoiling the party unilaterally hiking transport fares by 100% .Who do they think they are, fouling up the festive season like that? In fact it was after I overheard a driver and uwindi discussing another travesty, the rise in the bread price, that they wondered when they should take their turn to raise fares to $100,000 just like that! And to make it worse, we all lapped it up and quietly accepted the preposterous increase. When are we ever going to wake up and smell the coffee? Just you wait until they raise the fares to $200,000 then lizazibonela!
What about bread? What bread, you might ask. More precisely, bread crumbs. Try cutting it and it disintegrates into nothingness. I have even tried to glue the stuff together without much luck. And to think that bakers were awarded much more than what they were arrested for. What really troubles me is why we continue to accept this excuse for confectionary that is sold to us at extortionist prices. What happened to quality control? Where is the Consumer Council? Where is our appetite?
Finally, some sobering words of advice: If you feel the urge of taking one more drink, and that you are prone to sweating after a night out, and your mouth feels dry all the time and all you can think of is ‘One more Mr barman!’ then contact your local Alcoholics Anonymous. You are in serious need of repair.
Glossary
Jeki - slang for 'Jack'
Amanzi/amagetsi - SiNdebele for water and electricity
Uwindi - Transport touts
"Lizazibonela" - You will see (SiNdebele)
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