It was one of those weeks when beer drinkers thought that their prayers had been answered when the Price Control guys published a new schedule implying that the much reviled beer price increase was premature and overstated. As I write, nothing resembling a reversal on the part of the brewers has been forthcoming. They are sticking to their barrels, so to speak. I am sure that the hotline numbers have been ringing off line ever since. At least the drinkers have something else to keep them occupied, now that their favorite pastime is near extinction. Gono must be laughing all the way to, eh, church?
With the lack of (alcoholic) inspiration comes a condition called writer’s block for this columnist. Besides writing about drunks and what they do, there is little else with similarly hilarious results to observe. While we wait for our dear friends to adjust to new lifestyles and to regain the ability to make fools out of themselves, we have decided to give you the following gems from around the planet they call earth.
Fungai goes to the zoo
This guy, Fungai, goes to London and is desperate for a job, you know, the usual rese rese Zimbo job. So he decides to apply at the zoo. As it so happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had died the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. So, they tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorilla’s skin and pretend to be the gorilla so that people will keep coming to the zoo.
Well, the guy has his doubts, but hey, ijob yijob s’bali, he needs the money and he can’t possibly come back to Zim so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer when they see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around.
During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the unusually thin lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Maiwe! Maiwe!” obviously thinking kuti pake papera. The lion races over to him, places his paws
on his chest and hisses, "Iwe pfutseke nyarara apa, unotidzingisa basa! Chibenzi chemhuka" (Keep quiet, you will get us both fired, stupid animal!)
A husband working abroad wrote to his wife...
Dear Sweetheart,
I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses.
You are my sweetheart.
Your husband,
Allen
His wife replied...
Sweetheart Dearest,
Thanks for the 100 kisses, below is the list of expenses...
1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man agreed only after 7 kisses.
3. Your landlord comes every day to take 2 or 3 kisses instead of the rent.
4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I gave him other items...........
5. Other expenses 40 kisses.
Please don't worry about me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can complete the month using this balance.
Shall I plan the same for next month? Please do advise!!!
Your Sweet Heart,
Josephine
A dying man’s wish
An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for a man from the tax office and his lawyer to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for
them to sit on each side of the bed. The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling.
For a time, no one said anything. Both the taxman and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.
Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?" The old pastor mustered all his strength, and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go".
A very true story
The following is a bow by blow account of what transpired to a friend who had boarded a combi the day they raised the fare. It was in SMS form and It was like in the movies…
“I am in a combi to church and the driver has just parked by the side of the road because pipo do no want to pay 150 grand. Ah! It’s so chaotic and everyone is talking and no one is listening. Ah! Now there is fighting, ooh some passenger is now driving! Ah! What a drama!
Oh! I wish I had my camera. The driver has taken over and God knows where he is taking us. This is hijacking chaiyo! Ah! Ah! He now wants to dump us at the cemetery. I have never seen this happening before. Oh! No! The driver has switched off the engine, jumped out and is running like a mad cow across the graveyard, the hwindi in the other direction!
And we are in the middle of graves, pipo are vowing not to budge. It’s turning sour, paita headboy, mu-War Vet! Mapurisa afonerwa! (Someone has phoned the police!) Pipo from the nearby suburb are now flocking to the place wanting to burn the combi! My friend, I am leaving and it’s turning really ugly. Ah! Hiiiii, water canon! I have removed my shoes and will just allow my legs to carry me off this graveyard before we are sprayed to death! Later!” (… and this actually took place honest!)
And finally, from Melvin Durai
The other day, there was another UFO sighting over America. And just a week or so later, on the planet of Serena, many galaxies away, the Minister of Intergalactic Affairs and other leaders gathered in the main chamber of the House of Serenity to hear a report from Ruba Pontuba, a heroic space traveler who had just returned from her second mission to Earth.
Minister: "Welcome back, most respected Ruba."
Ruba: "Thank you, most honorable minister. I am thrilled to be back. I can't tell you how much I missed being among civilized creatures."
Minister: "Is that so? It was my hope that humans would be quite civilized by now. This is a new millennium for them, is it not?"
Ruba (laughs uncontrollably for five minutes): "New millennium! Ha ha ha! Humans are no more civilized in the new millennium than they were in the old millennium. They still kill each other in great numbers, and then refer to lions and tigers as 'wild animals.'"
Minister: "You mean they haven't made any progress as a species?"
Ruba: "They've made a little progress in science and technology, mostly in helping teenagers keep in touch with each other, but no progress whatsoever in peace and love. During my time on Earth, I witnessed hundreds of conflicts, including Israelis against Palestinians, Americans against Iraqis, Zidane against Materazzi."
Minister: "But don't humans want peace?"
Ruba: "Yes, most humans do want peace. They want it so much; they're willing to fight wars to achieve it."
Minister: "What about love? Don't humans love each other?"
Ruba: "Not as much as they love money. Most humans have one main goal in life: to get rich."
Minister: "But aren't they like us? Don't they want to become rich so they can help the less fortunate?
Ruba: "Well, I heard of one human who won the lottery and said, 'The first thing I'm going to do is sponsor some children in Uganda.' But it turns out that those were HIS children. He was behind on his child maintenance. Most humans, when they get rich, buy themselves a big house, a fancy car and new teeth. Some get new spouses, too."
Minister: "So what happens to the poor?"
Ruba: "Many of them struggle to survive. In some countries, they don't have enough food to eat."
Minister: "You mean there's a shortage of food on Earth?"
Ruba: "I thought there was, but then I visited America and saw people taking part in an eating contest. They were stuffing hotdogs down their throats, hoping to win a prize in this great new sport. A Japanese man won first place. He ate up his competition."
Minister: "Are there any poor people in America?"
Ruba: "Yes, there are. They get fed twice a year: at Thanksgiving and Christmas."
Minister: "So humans are killing each other and not sharing their food and wealth. Are they at least trying their best to eliminate deadly diseases?"
Ruba: "Yes, they are. America, for example, spent billions from its health budget to eliminate a 'cancer' named Saddam. The American leader believes that Earth is now a much healthier planet."
Minister: "What on Earth is he drinking?"
Great mysteries of our time
Can someone answer this question for me? If inyanga (traditional doctors) claim they can make one stinking rich, why are they so dirt poor? It’s like this friend of mine who says his job is to facilitate the migration of locals to Australia in search of greener pastures. How can he be stuck here if he claims that he can arrange for [people to get a better life down under? Makes one think, doesn’t it?
